Saturday, September 23, 2006

Out of Commission…but I’m back!

Indeed I am back. After what seems like an eternity…I am finally able to sit down…and put my fingers on the keyboard and do what I love best…write. Ahhhh…it feels so very good.

So…what have I been doing? Have I just been flakey…or had a serious case of writers block? fact there have been a number of ideas floating around my mind that I wanted to write about…but between physical ailments and responsibilities demanding my time there has been precious little time to do that which I love.

I recently recapped my month of August…which was pretty much a loss because I was in excruciating pain…which praise Jesus he removed in response to prayers from many on my behalf.

Before I knew it…September hit…and with it a very busy schedule. I spent Labor Day, laboring away as I listened to my favorite radio show Dennis Prager’s Labor Day show in which his listeners called in to tell about their work.

As I listened to this annual show I was reminded that year ago I had tried to call into the program. I was in the queue and planed to tell what kind of work I did and how much I loved my job and the people I worked with. When I listened to this year’s show the thing that stood out was the common factor…how much everyone loved their job. That’s when I realized…I really need to try for a couple of job opportunities that had come my way.

So I geared up for a few more interviews…both in loss prevention. One of them…was in the department I like…but not doing the work I wanted. For the past year or two…my aim has been to move into an LP analyst job. But I decided to give a shot and see what it was about. The first interview went well…and felt more like talking shop about my favorite subject than an interview. I could really envision myself working with this person long term. So I then proceeded to a second interview. This one provided much clarity. While the people and the company were good…the job responsibilities were not what I wanted. While disappointed that this wasn’t what I was looking for…I was grateful for the clarity to know I needed to say thanks, but no thanks.

Then came the news I had been hoping to hear for some time…my old boss Peter B. had a job opening doing just what I wanted…an LP Analyst. So…mine was the first resume submitted. While I waited for my interview day…I debated back and forth. Is this what I wanted? It would mean longer commute and giving up 22 years with my current company…5 weeks vacation and a good reputation with people who know me. Did I want it? Yeah…I think so…but with some reservations.

Of the seven interviews I’ve had in the last five months…I walked out of this one the least certain on how I did. It was the shortest…and by the book. An interview by four people…two HR and two LP personnel. I’m very good at reading people…but two of them were very hard to read.

So I came away from the interview…unsure. The next day I talked to my old boss Peter. He asked me how it went…and I told him I had no idea. He assured me that I did well…and was one of the top two candidates. In some respects I felt confident because I know what I bring to the table…skills, experience and passion to learn and grow. When I learned that the other top person was an internal candidate…I my uncertainty grew. This other person had been with their company and had done an excellent job. She brought to the table things that I did not. Familiarity with the company and its policies and procedures to name a few.

So I went into that weekend with mixed emotions. I wanted that job. I wanted it because it fit exactly what I’ve been aiming for, for a couple of years now. It was also what I had earned and deserved…or at least deserved the shot at.

Yet…after all I’ve been through in the past nine months I knew that company loyalty is so very important. The right thing to do is reward good people and good performers. So I wrote Peter B. an e-mail and told him that if I wasn’t heads above their internal candidate that they needed to go with her and not me.

Was that e-mail as magnanimous as it sounds? Yes and no. Absolutely I meant it from the bottom of my heart. I wished that my company would have given me that same consideration when I interviewed for a job. But my work, history, reputation and abilities amounted to nothing. I suppose in some respects I also wrote that as a self defense mechanism...softening the blow if I didn’t get the job.

Thankfully unlike another job I interviewed for…these people had the courtesy and decency to let me know the news without delay. Peter B. called me on Wednesday to let me know that they went with the internal candidate.

Ouch…that stung. I understood their decision and respected it. But I feel like I’ve been on the auction block and trying to sell myself for many months now. I’m weary and that which I want eludes me.

It was easy for me to say no to the other jobs and companies I interviewed for. I knew I didn’t want the jobs that they had open. The two jobs I knew I wanted…they said no to me. There are no other words to say…except…it hurts. This last one…the rejection felt personal. I mean after all my old boss called to tell me about the job and advised me to interview for it. And at the end of the day…the answer was no.

So you may be saying…Susan why are putting all this writing? Isn’t it kind of personal and private? Well…I guess just need a place to be real. Writing is how I work things out. At work…when Peter C. dropped by and asked if I got the job…I had to put on my game face. Here I can say what’s in my heart.

Miss Ruth assured me that God would honor my good character and acting honorably. Peter B. and Doug assured me that you never know what’s going to happen. Things could change tomorrow. I could finally get that job offer I’ve wanted. Not that I doubt them…but right now that seems very far fetched…like a fairy tale and ever so far away. Instead it’s what you say to someone to appease them or comfort them…even if it’s not true. Yet…I still hold out a ray of hope.

When and where my deliverance will come from…I know not. But I do know from whom. When this whole job adventure started God had given me the scripture verse “Stand firm and see the deliverance of the Lord.” Recently it seemed like God’s message had changed and he was preparing me to move.

Sometimes I wish I had the clear and direct signs of old. Like when God led the Israelites in the desert. A cloud by day and fire by night. When I think about Abraham, Joseph, Moses and David…I see that God promised them deliverance. And indeed God was faithful to his promise. Yet there was a long period between God’s promise of deliverance and when it actually occurred.

Oh God, my God…where is my promised deliverance? I stand looking and waiting for your promised deliverance.

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