Becoming One

It’s in becoming one,
Where we will learn to willingly surrender,
That which God will one day require of us.

It’s in becoming one,
We learn that submission and selflessness,
Are far superior to selfishness that the world inspires.

It’s in becoming one,
That we learn the eternal immeasurable value,
Of people and relationships over things.

It’s in becoming one,
We learn transparency and loving communication,
Choosing vulnerability and risking wounds from a faithful friend.

Oh Lord, may we realize,
That in avoiding selfless surrender,
We will only delay...even increase pain inherent in the inevitable.

Lord, may You bless and reward,
The fruits of our labor to become one,
Enable and strengthen us as we draw close to You!

By Susan Bunts
June 30, 2008

Dedicated to my love...Chris Wachtel...whom I will become one with on October 4^th, 2008.

As we prepare ourselves to wed...we are not only amazed at how much work it is to get married but are becoming aware of just how painful that “becoming one” can be. Goodness knows that the sacrifices are many but the rewards are well worth it.

We contemplate the painful parting with things we once treasured and now find ourselves moving beyond our former lives. Forging ahead into “us” instead of “me”.

While at times it’s really hard...a reflection on the losses that so many people have experienced in recent days and weeks with the flooding in the Midwest serves as a timely reminder that which we may attempt to hold onto God may one day require of us. Will He have to pry it out of our tightly closed hands? How much better to come to Him with open hands and willingly surrender that which He has entrusted to us for a season.

In doing so...it is our prayer that God will reward and bless our willingly surrender to Him and His plan for our lives.

Just Right

Well the prospect of getting married for the first time at the age of 49 is very interesting, scary, intimidating and empowering all at once. Seeing 20 year old girls trying on wedding gowns with excitement as they weed through literally hundreds of gowns...scares me to death.

Yet at 49...putting up with a twerp named Michael at the jewelry store became a fun game to yank his chain as he tried to “help me” figure out what engagement ring I’d like. When repeatedly asked why I didn’t like ring after ring...I wanted to say, “It doesn’t matter why, I just don’t...move on.” Instead I was nice...well relatively and the search became easier and quicker when I stopped worrying about hurting his feelings when I didn’t like a ring he suggested. A quick look or seeing it on my finger quickly eliminated a multitude of choices.

Never one to buckle under heavy pressure to make a sale...it was easy to walk away and say we may be back. And indeed we might have, had it not been for God going before us and leading my fiancé Chris and me to just the right jewelry store.

But that’s what our whole relationship has been like. Both Chris and I can so clearly see God’s hand in our relationship. How he formed and shaped us to fit so perfectly together. Our differences and strengths complement each other. How God worked a miracle after introducing us the first time and took what at first seemed to be a dud...but later God would light a fire that would grow into love at His appointed time. How God brought us together and helped us in those early weeks and the ensuing months to navigate some rough waters...but we also delight and enjoy the smooth, calm seas when we come upon them.

To many people...it sounds crazy to say we got engaged to be married after dating for only 3 months. But what happens to folks approaching 50 isn’t necessarily what you would advise a 20 year old kid. Besides that...our whole relationship and engagement have proven themselves to be “just right”. So what would have been crazy 30 years ago...today I understand, delight and continue to be amazed by. Thank You Jesus!

At a recent graduation and promotion ceremony for home school children Pastor Philip De Courcy quoted Warren Wiersby who said, “God gives His best to those who resolve to leave the choice up to Him.” To that both Chris and I give a hearty “Amen”!

Not only do we praise and thank God for what He’s done to bring us and hold us together...but we continue to be in awe of how He cares and is working in each area of our relationship.

Steering us to just the right engagement and wedding rings in a matter of minutes when by happenstance we walked into the jewelry store at the mall. To providing an alternative for me on finding a wedding dress by ordering online. I was able to order two different dresses and the designer Martin McCrea was willing to allow me to order both styles with the understanding that I will keep the one I like best and return the other one.

God continues to work out the details. This time in the form of a wedding reception. After investigating alternative and prices for having a wedding reception, both Chris and I were a little overwhelmed. To have a wedding reception that costs under $5,000 would be a feat in and of itself. Even then...that’s keeping the arrangements small and low key. It’s not uncommon for a wedding reception to cost between $10,000 to $20,000...or more! Holy smokes! Money that could be applied to a home purchase or honeymoon...is gone in one fell swoop! Don’t get me wrong....it’s a once in a lifetime event and we want to do it right. It’s just for Chris and me...that’s plumb crazy.

It was with amazement and gratitude we humbly accepted the offer of friends to hold a cake and punch wedding reception in their humble abode. Sure we’ll have to scale things back including the guest list that grew exponentially. But that’s not a bad thing. We pray that it will help us to keep first things first.

That first thing is to honor and glorify Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior...to thank Him for what He’s doing. We want our wedding and marriage to reflect His glory in our lives.

When Chris and I left the choosing up to God...He brought us just the right mate.

After the recent death of my mom Gayle Lorenat, I find it hits me at odd times. The sadness and grief of her passing. Some of the things I’m arranging now...she would have been a part of. As much as I waited and looked forward to that day...she did too. But God has provided, guided and directed in the absence of parents to come alongside me.

“So, what are you doing on Saturday?”

“So, what are you doing on Saturday?”, Chris asked.

Trust me...if I had known what was following that question...I’d have wrapped up my answer right quick and said, “Not much, why...what did you want to do?”

But instead I was blissfully ignorant as to what Chris wanted to do. So I droned on and on that I needed to go to Washington Mutual to take proof that my mother had died...and get their help wrapping up her affairs. While it’s been one month since she died...there are still a lot of details to work out.

But Chris waited patiently until I stopped talking. I’m not even sure what happened next...if I asked him what he wanted to do...or if he just said it. I guess I should have suspected something because this was the second day in a row that Chris asked about Saturday.

Chris volunteered, “Well...I had something in mind that I’d like us to do.”

I’m thinking maybe it’s the hot air balloon ride that he talked about recently. Maybe he’s made arrangements for us to go out to celebrate our third month anniversary. Three months...but I keep looking at the calendar and I’m certain...it must be three years...or has it been ten or twenty years? Surely we can’t have only known each other for only three months now could we?

“I’d like for us to go shopping for an engagement ring.” When Chris saw the quizzical look on my face...he realized he needed to explain further. “Susan Harriett Bunts, will you be my bride?”

Holy smokes...this is something I’ve been waiting for, for my entire life. Something I’ve dreamed about...but never really let myself believe would happen...just in case God had a different plan. But those words had actually been spoken...and not on some movie screen...and it wasn’t someone recounting their wonderful engagement story. But instead Chris Wachtel was actually proposing to me! Holy Mackanole!!! Imagine that. Wow God...You truly are the best Matchmaker. Wow!

I’m sure my jaw dropped open and just plain stayed there. That is in between the “Wows” and the “Are you’re serious?” Finally when I realized...that Chris wasn’t just yanking my chain...I figured that I’d better seal the deal with an emphatic, “Yes”! “Yes Chris, I’d love to marry you. I love you so much!”

I’m not sure how many times I said “Wow” or how many times I asked if Chris if he was serious before I realized...this is the real deal. This man...whom I have come to love so deeply in so short a time...has actually asked me to marry him. And I said, “Yes!”

I cautioned Chris that this is going to be for life...till death do us part. He’s got two options to get out of our marriage...death or the rapture. I feel like I’ve won the lottery...got the grand prize. I reminded Chris that my flaws far out weigh any good attributes...but that didn’t seem to act as a deterrent. Instead he felt the same certitude that I do about him. This is the right thing and the right time.

We are so excited to see what God is going to do in and through us. We both want to have God at the center of our relationship and use it to bring Him praise, glory and honor.

Chris and I are very much aware of what a miracle God has already done in bringing us together. Two broken people...so unworthy. Unworthy of God, His salvation and unworthy of each other and the love we have for one another. But we serve a big God. One who is bigger still. Our problems, flaws, hurts, pain and the baggage that we will both bring to our marriage...are out shadowed by our God.

To the many people who I shamelessly and repeatedly asked to pray that God would bring me a husband...I thank you. You are many...because while I was ready to accept God’s will...I didn’t want to get to heaven only to find out that I didn’t have it because I didn’t ask for it.

To Michael Paddison...the man that God used to bring Chris and me together...we are eternally grateful. Thank goodness that you had eyes to see that which we could not see. You were right.

While we don’t have a date set yet...and the details we will need to work out are plentiful...I don’t want to miss the marriage because of the engagement period or wedding. I am so looking forward to our marriage Chris and the road we will take to get there...and the path God will lead us on.

Chris...you are the love of my life. I don’t want to miss one day without you.

Thank You Jesus!

Fiancée, engaged, married, wedding, wife...those are some words I never expected to hear associated with me. Thank you Chris for making my life long dream come true. I’m glad that dream is coming true with you.

Concurrently Providential

When I see you,
I can perfectly see God’s presence in my life.

His mercy and grace,
Poured out in abundance to one so undeserving.

His sovereign plan,
That brought us together...in His perfect timing.

How He spent a lifetime,
Fitting us and forming two broken pieces for one another.

Yet...He left surprises,
In which we can delight and discover as we grow together.

I see His providence,
Because He went before me and prepared me for you.

I can testify to His concurrence,
As He worked a “good bad” in order to bring me to you.

Before you...He brought men into my life,
That made me desire...even long for a good man who loves the Lord.

Yet...He has given even more,
Deep blue eyes and warm smile...that melt my heart.

Chris...until “That Day”...and beyond,
May He continually, concurrently, providentially work His sovereign plan in us!

By Susan Bunts
May 21, 2008

Dedicated to Chris...the one I love

This poem was inspired by a sermon by Pastor Philip De Courcy that taught us about the sovereignty of God through His providence and concurrence in our lives. That sermon was providentially timed and has caused me to reflect and appreciate even more what God is doing in Chris and my life...and in our relationship.

Hard Work

“Relationships are really hard work!” he said.
Indeed they are,
But I’m glad to be doing that work with you.

When we step back...we clearly see,
God’s hand in bringing us together.
It’s very evident…plain for all to see.

As perfectly as He fitted us for one another,
We are being challenged,
By some of the differences we see.

He is the Potter…we are the clay,
We are continually being remolded,
Made into what He would have us be.

He’s bringing together,
A man and a woman,
With personalities that had nearly 50 years to set.

That “bringing together” is bound to hurt.
But thankfully,
It’s with someone I trust and respect.

May I never cease to marvel,
Even be amazed,
At how God has brought us together.

May we trust Him!
Eagerly anticipate what He is going to do,
With two souls yielded to the skillful Potter’s hands.

By Susan Bunts
May 19, 2008

Dedicated to Chris Wachtel...the one I love.

Both Chris and I marvel at how God has brought us together. We shake our heads in amazement that it’s only been two and a half months since we started dating. God turbo charged our relationship through the sickness and death of my mother...just a little over a month into our relationship. God used those circumstances to reveal Chris’ character...his emotional and spiritual maturity.

I’ve been speculating and teasing Chris that one day we are going to have our first argument. He tells me I’m a worry wart and it will be fine. Recently we both concluded that relationships are very hard work. But even with the work....it’s worth it.

It’s quite interesting bringing two people together that have been alone for close to 50 years. There’s the men/women difference and the personality differences. But I’ve got to say...while challenging...it sure helps when the person that’s meeting those challenges with me is someone whom I respect and trust. It’s a whole different ball game when it’s with a man who love the Lord and seeks to do God’s will before his own. Now that’s not only someone I can trust...but love.

I’m not the only one who’s happy Chris has come along. My kitty Rudy...loves Chris and is certain God brought Chris just for him.

Brighton...Thank You!

I thank you for coming today...to celebrate the life of my mother, Gayle Lorenat.

I am here today to thank the nurses and staff of Brighton Gardens and to testify of the grace, goodness and mercy of the Lord...even in death. Especially in death.

Alzheimer’s was not a road that my mother Gayle ever wanted to go down. Her sister Joyce died from Alzheimer’s following a prolonged battle. My mother saw it first hand. Up close and personal and knew it well. It was her single greatest fear. I didn’t want to go down that road either.

But God frequently has a different plan and directs our steps onto a path much different than that which we would have chosen for ourselves. Thus began our journey with Alzheimer’s six years ago. It was a long time coming...but Gayle’s death was sudden.

As Gayle’s health rapidly declined and her death was immanent I felt as if we both had a divine appointment with death. One of us would be getting on that train and one of us would remain. As I sat by her bedside, prayed and I asked God what He wanted to teach me in these circumstances.

What I learned...was that God may take me into to the fire...but He is right there with me. Though the flames may burn hot and threaten to consume me...He’s standing there with me. He won’t leave me there, but instead He is faithful to bring me through.

I am so grateful that when my mother Gayle was facing death...we could turn to the One who conquered death. Yeah though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...I will fear no evil. Why? Because Thou art with me. I don’t have to be afraid or alone...because God is with me. He will never leave, nor forsake me.

I learned that when I recognize my circumstances are far beyond me...and I come to the end of myself, I can surrender to God. It’s there in the surrender and dependence upon God that I find His peace.

I’m glad that my mother and I didn’t have to walk down that path alone. God also brought others to help us along the way. Some of those people are sitting here today. To the nurses and staff of Brighton Gardens...I offer my humble and heartfelt thanks. Thank you for caring for our mother during the most vulnerable time of her life. God used you to love her and care for her.

The day my mother died, I talked to my brother to share the news that she had passed away. When he spoke he was remembering how bright and accomplished Gayle was...all that she had achieved in her life. It seemed so odd...to hear that. Everything that he mentioned was pre-Alzheimer’s....her intellect, her educational and vocational accomplishments...her family, her health and pride in keeping herself fit. All of it came to naught. Just about everything that she had or had achieved had been taken from her by this ugly disease called Alzheimer’s.

Was it in Alzheimer’s that she found that which is of lasting importance and can never be taken away?

Pre Alzheimer’s...my mom was never an affection person. She never said I love you...nor gave hugs and kisses. I’m not sure if that was because she was part of a generation that was more private...or if she bore scars passed down by her family.

It wasn’t until Alzheimer’s that my mother learned to be affectionate. She wasn’t embarrassed about how she looked if she gave someone a hug or a kiss or what they might say if she held their hand. It was in Alzheimer’s that she learned to say, “I love you”.

I learned don’t wait to say I love you. Don’t wait until someone is dying or leaving to share the most wonderful thing in the world...love. We don’t know when the last opportunity to express our love will come. Don’t wait! Don’t miss it...because it may not come around again.

God granted my mother a relatively cheery disposition. Even when she was willful and uncooperative....she did so with a smile on her face. It was that smiling defiant face that greeted my sister Denise and me in the emergency room when Gayle decided to escape to Las Vegas.

It was in Gayle’s dying days that I began to see how God had used this woman...who had lost everything in her life...to touch people’s lives. With her cheery and funny character...and her openly affectionate ways....she touched people. Perhaps it was in Alzheimer’s that Gayle accomplished the most important thing....because she touched people in her happiness and with love.

When I talked to my brother, he said he wouldn’t be able to come to see Gayle. He loved her too much and that it would nearly kill him to see her like this. That it would be too hard. Indeed it was too hard. Guess what...it should be. But when we obey God...it's all right...it becomes a new kind of normal.

I had to ask myself...do I let something that is too hard or hurtful keep me from doing the right thing?

“Love suffers long and is kind; love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.”

I need to examine myself in light of God’s word. Is my love longsuffering? Does my love endure all things? Does my love fail? Is my love other centered...or self centered? When my love fails...I’m acting on my own strength, power and wisdom. Instead I can turn to God....and watch Him enable me to act with a love towards others...even when it’s hard and it hurts.

It’s from the depths of my heart that I thank the people that work at Brighton Gardens for what you did for my mom. For being there for her, caring for and loving her.

Thank you Denise for finding Brighton. Thank you for being there...especially during our frequent flyer emergency room visits. Pete...Travis...Reed and Alyssa...thank you for your family’s help each time we had to get Gayle moved. Thank you Gregg for helping oversee Gayle’s finances.

Thank you Kindred’s audio ministry and prayer ministry and congregation...for being a rock of support. Thank you to those of you who came to see my mom. For being willing to come see Gayle in her last days...to ensure that she heard about Jesus.

I thank you God...for being with Gayle and me as we walked a difficult road. Thank you for never leaving, nor forsaking us...and for Your merciful, gracious provisions along the way.

Thank you Chris for being a rock of support during this time...and pointing me back to the Rock Who is higher than I. Thank you for praying with us, crying with us and laughing with us. Thanks for putting up with a sometimes crazy woman.

The last words that I whispered to my mother when I left late Monday night were, “Yes Jesus!” Those are some good last words. Great words...great because I know that salvation is found in no other name, in heaven and earth than Jesus Christ our Lord. It’s in Jesus Christ and His work on the cross....that I can have a hope that I may one day see my mother Gayle again. Hope because I know that our sin debt was paid in full...and is applied to all who call upon the name of the Lord. Yes Jesus!

I pray that you too have that peace, hope and assurance that is found in Jesus Christ. Yes Jesus...today is the day of salvation.

Gayle Merriam Johnson Bunts Lorenat

A commemorative video celebrating the life of my mother, Gayle Merriam Johnson Bunts Lorenat. Gayle passed away on April 29, 2008.

While I write about many things, words evaded me when my mother died. For woman who hated to have her picture taken...she would have been mortified to think that her picture is on the web for all to see. I love looking at her pictures...especially the ones from her childhood and from when she served in the Army as a WAC and from the early days of her marriage to my dad Frank. The last pictures were taken while she lived at Brighton Gardens and they are of a very different Gayle. In the last picture Gayle is embraced by two men, both named Chris, as she danced. They worked with Gayle in the Rem Unit for Alzheimer's patients. The man on right is the person who with Gayle when she passed away just minutes before I arrived.

Gayle was born on October 23, 1921 and was 86 years old when she died on April 29, 2008.

An Appointment with Death

This was the day I’ve dreaded and would have done just about anything to avoid. But there’s no stopping it.

It’s been a long time coming…but suddenly it’s here. Hard to believe…but it was just a month ago…my mom was doing okay…the Alzheimer’s way. Then a phone call about a quarter to 11 pm on April 4^th…started a chain of events that seem unstoppable.

My mom was being transported to the emergency room because she was having trouble breathing. I arrived at the emergency room and found her in bed struggling for every breath. It wasn’t just labored…she was fighting for each breath. I was reminded of someone who had just run a marathon and couldn’t catch their breath. Gayle was conscience, but not really. As the night wore on, tests were done, breathing treatments were given and her breathing improved. Despite my protests and efforts to keep her at Placentia Linda, my mom was transported to Anaheim Memorial.

I texted Chris, “Mom in ER, call you in the AM”. Our date and plans for the day would have to be set aside. I headed home about 2:30 in the morning. The hospital promised to call me with confirmation that she would be transferred and when. Before I even lay my head on the pillow I got the call…she would be transferred within the hour. When the phone rang at 5, I tried to focus and answer the nurse’s questions. They would be getting Gayle settled and I went back to sleep…even if it was just a few hours.

I set the alarm for 8. I figured that’s not too early to call Chris and break the bad news. I found Chris awake and getting ready. He was surprised by the news…but eager to come and be my side…even if that was in a hospital room. I can’t tell you how grateful I was to feel the warmth of his embrace and have him by my side as we navigated the hall and maze of Anaheim Memorial.

In the 3 ½ days at the hospital my mom’s interactive abilities declined steeply. While not able to engage in a conversation…she was able to respond. Some of the nurses we encountered were very good. Kind, sweet and made the effort to help someone who could not function on their own. Some of the nurses left me asking why in the world they are working in nursing. Nothing in their personality or skills gave any hint of compassion and caring.

As difficult as that was…it paled in comparison to what we would experience over the next few days and weeks. The bad dream would soon become a nightmare. Her title was discharge planner. But I was certain I had seen her in a movie and her name was Nurse Ratched. Wretched would be a more apt description. I begged her to try and get Gayle transferred back to Brighton Gardens. She said she’d try and even took down names and contact numbers. But because she was unwilling to give the information they needed to evaluate if she could be returned…it remained in limbo. It was only after I talked with the folks at Brighton I discovered that this woman had lied to me. Her lies, laziness and lack of compassion resulted in Gayle being transferred to St. Edna’s.

That’s the place where I first realized…my mom is going to die soon. The smell of the place left me with the overwhelming impression that she was going to die there. Her pneumonia was gone…but she was scared and depressed. She had given up. St. Edna’s was the death knell or the proverbial nail the coffin that would lead Gayle on the path to a divine appointment.

St. Edna’s was also the place where I was introduced to Hospice. These people worked miracles to get my mom transferred back to her home. A place where she is known as Gayle and not the patient in bed 40 C. She is well known and well love. A place where tears are shed at her impending death and hugs given in love.

She was transferred back to Brighton on a Saturday. While I knew she wouldn’t regain all her skills and functioning…I figured that she’d bounce back a bit. But I was wrong. Her improvement was short lived. She had given up…and that was most evident in the fact she had stopped eating.

That first day back she was looking quite ragged. Knowing that any girl feels better when they look better, I had her go to the beauty shop for a hair cut. Something short and much different than she had before. But I wanted something that would look good, even when she wasn’t doing good.

Her fading began and was more evident with each passing day. Oh she took a couple of bites of pudding and drank some juice…but that was it. Soon she would be eating nothing. Getting thickened juices down her would be considered a triumph. At first she was up and about in her new wheel chair. Before long she would be in bed, 24/7.

Then came the call from the Hospice nurse. She’s in the process of dying. Maybe a couple of weeks. My regular weekly visits now became a daily thing. At first she was awake for part of the time…interacting a bit. But soon…she’d sleep the whole time through…except when the pain awakened her.

While my mom’s state of salvation has been on my mind for many years…I now find myself desperate to make sure she is a daughter of the King of kings. If her salvation was based on works…she’d be saved. If one could go to heaven because they are good person…she would be welcomed through the Gates of Heaven.

But I know my scripture. I know salvation is not based on works, nor how good a person is. The Bible plainly tells us that there is no one righteous, no not one. If you confess with your mouth and believe with your heart that Jesus Christ is Lord, you will be saved.

To my knowledge my mom had never openly shared her believe that Jesus Christ is Lord and that He died to pay the penalty for our sins. That His death and sacrifice is applied to our sin debt when we receive Him as our Lord and Savior. My mom had been in church for many years…but I couldn't say with assurance she is in Christ.

That’s why every visit now…I’m telling her about Jesus. I’m reciting the sinner’s prayer. Reading scripture, knowing that even now, even in her advanced state of Alzheimer’s that God can reach her. I’ve put in request after request that people pray for her salvation. When I get upset and cry, people try to comfort me and ask if they can do anything. My one answer is please pray for my mother’s salvation.

I’ve been surprised by people’s reactions. Not so much from unbelievers. They think that if someone is good they will go to heaven. But the responses that surprise me the most are from Christians. They assure me that she’s good and will go to heaven. She’s dying but she seems to be at peace.

That assurance brings me no comfort because I know that if she hasn’t accepted Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior, this will be the last peace she will experience. I have been burdened and desperate for her salvation. My concern is for the eternal consequences of any unredeemed sinner.

At times she seems peaceful. But I’ve been there at night. That peace was exchanged for torture. A grimace crosses her face. Her glazed eyes seem to be following something along the ceiling. She is shaking her head no and can not be calmed.

While I claim no divine revelation…I believe it’s entirely possible that Satan has sent his demons to taunt her at the prospect that she will be joining them with her impending death. I look up at the ceiling. There’s nothing there visible to the eye. But she is seeing something…and is quite tortured.

That’s why I’m desperate for her salvation. I would rather she experience discomfort this side of heaven…and enter in to eternal rest and peace when she dies. That’s why I’ve ask my friends to go see her and pray with her and for her salvation. That’s why I called Chris on my cell phone and asked him to pray with us and for us. That’s why I don’t care what anyone thinks when I put the speaker on and place it next to Gayle’s ear as Chris prays for my mom and her salvation. That’s why I’m kneeling by her bed and praying on the phone with my beloved man. Where two or three are gathered together…even over the phone.

If my mom dies without Jesus…it won’t be because she’s not heard about him. It won’t be because no one has shared the Gospel message. It will be because she has a hard heart and wants to come to God her own way. Not the prescribed way that God has laid out in the Bible.

When I see the tortured look on her face and see that she can not be comforted…it’s a small preview of what her eternity will be like if she dies without Christ.

That’s why Jesus may be the last thing she hears from me as I’m desperate that God will use anything to bring her to a saving faith in Christ Jesus…before her divine appointment with death.

Her divine appointment has become mine. I’m not sure what God is teaching me in this. But I know He is at work, in both me and my mother. I would rather her death be painful and her eternal life be peaceful and joyous.

The nurses tell me her time is short. A day or two. It’s in the Lord’s hands…as is her salvation. Her inability to speak and give visible acknowledgement of faith is a reminder to me that our salvation is all a work of God, not of us, least any man should boast.

One of the blessings in these last days of her life is that I get to meet the nurses that work the overnight shift. Offer my thanks and encourage them as they work with people in the most critical time of their life. All too often when family is absent.

So…would you please join me in praying for my mother’s salvation? I would be most grateful. Her divine appointment is drawing close. Salvation is a work of God…and I pray that if she is not saved, that He will bring her to a saving faith in Jesus Christ.

Keeping a Promise

“Michael, a few years ago I promised I would call you when mom is dying. That’s why I’m calling. So if you want to come and see her, now is the time.”

I wouldn’t have guessed I would be making that phone call to my brother. Honestly my biggest struggle in the last six years has been the fact that my brothers have both bowed out at this time in her life. I’ve struggled with it...I resented them not being there or helping. I didn’t understand why there were no birthday cards, mother’s day flowers or an occasional phone call to find out how she’s doing.

But God gently lead me to fulfill that commitment to make that phone call.

While my mother has recovered nicely from the pneumonia that had sent her to the hospital a couple of weeks ago, she has gone downhill rapidly. I was hoping the deficits that she experienced during her hospitalization would rebound when she returned Brighton Gardens, her home for the last six years.

At first it appeared that she would bounce back. She seemed to be interacting a little more and even started eating a bit. But those hopes were short lived.

Now her head is down most of the time. A by product of Alzheimer’s. The disease has now effected her neurologically...and she can’t hold up her head for more than couple of seconds. That means she’s not able to look around and see what’s going on around her. She’s not able to look people in the face, unless they get down and look up into her face. Her appetite with pureed foods has diminished...but never more so than now when drinks are reduced to thickened liquids. That in the attempt to keep her from chocking, but has instead taken away her desire to eat or drink.

While there were times her constant humming...or counting and banging was annoying...her silence and non communication is much worse. Now days a squeeze of hand is about as good as it gets. On a good day...she might even look at me briefly.

She’s given up...and no longer wants to live. I think the nail in the coffin, so to speak, was when she was transferred to the rehab facility. There she was the patient in bed 40 C, not Gayle. Thank goodness for Hospice. They were able to get my mom transferred back to Brighton Gardens, where she is Gayle. Someone who is well known and well loved.

But now she is dying. She is not eating or drinking. She interacts minimally...and there is nothing that I can do to change it, or make it better.

Yes...I’m praying...and know that God cares and is at work in the situation.

Mostly I pray for my mom’s salvation. I don’t know with any degree of certainty that she is saved. She has been in church, but I don’t know if she is in Christ? She was raised by Christian parents, went to church when she was young. When she got married...her faith was not expressed, nor taught to her children. When my dad died...that’s when my mom started going back to church. I struggle with knowing whether she has a saving faith in Jesus Christ, because I don’t see how someone would forsake their genuine faith and fail to teach that life giving faith to their children. When she remarried...we went to church as a family.

I discussed faith with my mom over the years. Especially after I became a Christian. I’m not sure if she was just private about her faith? Or if she has an intellectual acknowledgment that there is a God, but that not really believing that Jesus is the only way to salivation? Does she really believe in the reality of hell? I don’t know.

Sometimes my mom would go to church with me when she was visiting for the day. I know then she did hear the Gospel message. We dialogued about faith...but I can’t honestly say, “Her spirit bore witness with my spirit.”

So when one of the workers at Brighton comforted me with the thought that my mom seems to be in peace during her dying process...I have no peace or comfort at that thought.

I would be at peace with her death, if I was assured of her salvation.

But I don’t know that, nor do I have that peace. If she doesn’t know Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior, then the peace she has now in dying will give way to utter, unending torment in hell for eternity. How can I have peace with that?

Yet...I know that death is a divine appointment. There is no panic in heaven, only plans. God is still able to reach that mind, even in the midst of Alzheimer’s. So I pray, I sing hymns and tell her about Jesus. I ask God that He might give me a sign that she has a genuine saving faith. But I know that I might not know that, this side of eternity. No matter what, I will still praise Him.

My biggest regret is that, while she still had her faculties, I didn’t live a life that made my mother hunger and thirst to know Christ. I didn’t have a peace that drew her to know Jesus. I didn’t have a consistent trust in Jesus, no matter what my circumstances were that made her ask, “How can I have that too?”.

I’m adopted...and so many of my family members don’t know Jesus Christ as their Savior. I wonder why God plucked me out and called me to a saving faith...in the midst of unbelieving family members. I wonder...what good has my life been as a witness to Christ, if my own mother dies without receiving Jesus as her Lord and Savior.

So I don’t have a lot answers right now. But I do know that God is at work in my mom. Even thought I might not know the outcome until I get to heaven. I know that my faith is being tested. Will I still praise and trust God, with some pretty important and critical unknowns? Will I? Yes, even now, I will yet praise Him.

Before I dialed the phone to tell my brother about our mom...I prayed, “God...give me the words, guide my words and actions.” I ended up leaving a message for my brother. I asked him to call me and I’ll give him the details. If he doesn’t call back, I’ll call him again. I figure he’s accountable before God for his actions. I don’t want to hold a grudge or carry the burden of resentment, hurt and pain any longer. It’s in God’s hands.

I’m praying that God will oversee the details and timing of my mother’s death. That in His mercy, she will come to a saving faith in Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior. That if she already knows Him...that God will give me a confirmation so that I can have His peace knowing her future is secure in Christ.