My Life...No Longer an Option

This old blog of mine is better than a diary. It’s a place where I can work through issues that are weighing heavy on my mind. Sometimes that means railing against the latest political happenings…or exploring my faith…or confessing my lack thereof. Writing is my best therapy. And on this blog…you can even read my writing…but my handwriting oft gives the imitation of Sanskrit…or some mysterious ancient language.

Currently…the thing weighing heavy on my mind is my job and all that’s going on with it and the company. Currently our company is in the middle of a sale. Its being split into three companies…with the sale expected to close in about three weeks.

I’ve worked in my current job for over 10 years now…maybe longer…and with the company for almost 22 years. Actually I’m couple of years past burn out and have been looking forward to a change. I’ve love the people that I work with…and even the work because it’s interesting and changes daily. But still…10 years is long time in the same job.

So with the prospect of a new company buying us…the excitement of a new job on the horizon I was looking forward to the change. Yet…of course I was scared and nervous and excited all at once.

As it turns out the company buying us doesn’t have people that do my job in field offices. Their structure is different…so no matter what…my job is going away. My gracious boss was able to arrange for me to be interviewed for a job.

Well…Wednesday was the big day. Knowing that I had the prayer support of Kindred Community Church’s Prayer Team, Bible Study Fellowship and my sister…I was amazingly at peace. Yes…I was wee bit nervous…and anxious about the interview. But still…I had a peace.

I also had an adrenaline rush…which carried me through the interview. Now these gentlemen either thought I was enthusiastic, had too much caffeine, or was a little wacky. I don’t think I looked at my watch once during the long interview…and the time seemed to pass quickly.

Afterwards I was excited and thought that I had a good rapport with the folks that interviewed me…and was hopeful that I will be extended a job offer.

At the end of the day…the adrenaline rush was over…and I felt down in the dumps and uncertain. Uncertain how the interview went. Whether I represented myself, our department and company well. Uncertain as to how I came across. One thing that’s for sure…I was the real me. I didn’t put on an act…or try to pretend to be anything I’m not.

Feeling uncertain…I was a little scared and sad at the prospect that I might loose my job. I was focused on me and my feelings…when I got a call from person who had also recently interviewed for a job. They expressed their anxiety over what the outcome might be. I tried to be a comfort and a listening ear…and help give them a positive focus.

Later that day…when I accepted the possibility that I might loose my job...I felt “Well okay, what’s next”.

As soon as I was able to accept that the worst might happen…I realized I don’t have time to spend focusing on my fears, sadness and anxiety of this uncertain outcome.

Did you ever see the movie Runaway Train? I feel like I’m on a runaway train. And it’s barreling faster and faster to a hard and fast end. In the mean time…I have a lot of work that needs to get done…no matter if I’m given a job and remain with the company or not. And I’d better get cracking.

Secondly and more importantly…if I focused on my fears and anxiety…I won’t be able to help others who are feeling likewise or even worse. If I focus on others…perhaps I can be there to listen to them when they feel overwhelmed. Or help them to have a different perspective. While things are uncertain and little scary…that’s not necessarily a bad thing. And even if things are not so peachy keen…having a negative, bitter, angry and resentful attitude about it, certainly will not help me to bring good out of it or make things better for myself or others.

Now in some respects I feel as though I have an unfair advantage on some people…because I know God and have a relationship with Jesus Christ. While I don’t know what my future holds…I know God…and know that He knows what my future holds. Jesus promised to never leave me, nor forsake me. That is true of my past…my present and a promise that He will be with me in the future as well. I don’t know what my future holds…but I know who holds my future. And that is enough for today.

Yesterday…when I bowed out of a meeting that was set up to help everyone deal with “transition” someone made the comment, “she’s in the denial stage”. I found it both irritating and ironic. Irritating…because they assumed I was in denial without even talking to me. Ironic because I had actually worked through that stage and now had a peace. Peace because I had accepted the worst and now was focused on what I needed to do.

One of the things that makes this change a little painful…it reminds me of people that had long worked for our company and have since died. When this sale is final…our stores will take on the new company’s name. In some respects it feels like we are burying and letting go of these people all over again.

But when I thought further…I realized that the people I've known and loved over the years…they are still with me. They are in my heart…and I was most fortunate to learn great work ethics from some of the best people in the retail and loss prevention industry. They helped to meld me and mold me and make me the person I am. So whether they’ve died...moved on to a new job or are retired…I will continue to carry them with me. That part won’t change. And now I will have the opportunity to meet new people, learn more…and continue to grow.

So what’s in a name? A history…but it’s a living history that continues on in the people that lived it and remember those who walked with them before. So I will carry with me Len Thielen, Neil Parker, Hugo Constantino, Peter Bartholomew and Terry Sullivan. Through this transition…I will add more people to that list of people whom I will always carry with me in my heart.

In some respects I feel as though God has prepared me for this change. This year in Bible Study Fellowship we’ve studied the book of Genesis. In it…we learned about Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and Joseph…among others. Some of them were given a new name by God and some were called to leave their home and go to a far country.

If this job change had occurred a year ago…there is no way I would have even considered moving. My beloved Pastor, Chuck Obremski was still in the midst of riding the cancer coaster. And there was no way…I was getting off before we found out what God’s plan was. But God has since revealed part of his plan. I feel like God may be calling me to a new place. Where exactly…I don’t know. Some scripture verses that come to mind are “Go ye into all the world and make disciples” and that we are to be like salt and light. Salt that remains in the salt shaker does little good…and light covered up doesn’t do what it was created for.

Now if I get this job…it will likely require a move at some point. The hardest part of that prospect is leaving my church, Kindred Community Church. We have been through so much and are knit together. But even if I leave…the people of this church will remain with me…in my heart and in my mind. And I’ll be able to keep up with everyone via the prayer newsletter, e-mail, phone and hopefully the occasional visit. A visit that would feel like I was coming home.

But I would also leave well prepared…with CD’s albums in hand. I’d be able to take Chuck and his no nonsense, kick-butt teaching with me. I’d still have my feet held to the fire…by a man who walked the talk…and finished well.

So…do I have the job? I don’t know yet. It’ll be perhaps another week or so before I know for sure. I’m sure I’ll feel anxious during this time. But by golly…I’ll be able to go to God with my anxiety and concerns. What will I say?

Thank you, God. Thank you, that you have a plan in place. There is no panic in heaven, only plans. I know that you hold both me and my future in the palm of your hand. Thank you that you are able to do exceedingly, abundantly more than all I ask or imagine. Thank you that you care about me…so much so that you carry my tears in a bottle…and will one day wipe them from my eyes.

Thank you that you know me and my needs and care for me. Thank you for going before me and help to prepare the way. Please give me great wisdom on decisions I need to make and plans. Go before me and smooth out my path. Please let your favor rest upon me.

Please use me and let me be a comfort and blessing to others. Give me a sensitive ear to hear the pain, anxiety and concerns of others. Help me to be watchful for the person that needs help. And when I’m feeling overwhelmed…help me to go to you for the strength, wisdom and peace that is needed.

Thank you for the difficult times of the last few years that have helped me to grow deeper and stronger in my faith. Thank you for showing me I am not able to handle this on my own. Thank you for the people whom you have placed in my life that have touched me…whom I will greatly miss. Painful yes…but a good pain that I am most fortunate to have.

Sometimes the hardest part of being single is facing times like this alone. I don’t have a husband to rely upon or care for me. When I wake up in the middle of the night…anxious and scared and unable to sleep…I don’t have a loving arm around me, or a listening ear at my side or someone to wipe those tears that fall.

But I do have my Father in heaven that cares for me. Just like he uses people in my life to touch me, reach out and care for me when I’m hurting…now I pray that I might also do that for others.

So if you are stopping my blog on a regular visit…or if you just stumbled across it…I’d greatly appreciate your prayers over my job. What would I like to be prayed for? That I will get this new job. That God will help me to continue to learn and grow…in all areas. That He would use me in a new place. That He would help me to get rooted and grounded in a good church and BSF Bible Study. And if God has another plan…that I would trust him as he reveals that plan.

Thanks much…and I’m sure I’ll have more work transition postings to come in the near future. Your patience is appreciated.