Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Sad Reflections

I think sometimes it may be easier…or at least safer…to feel anger rather than sadness.

Today…was a real down day…well actually the past couple of days were. I feel like so much of whom and what I love has been taken from me. In recent weeks…in particular…but more accurately over the past few years.

Today I found myself expressing anger and frustration over what feels like my inability to change a situation…or make a difference one way or the other. This morning it came out as anger…with tears close behind. But what was really going on in the background is that I’m profoundly sad over all that I feel like I’m loosing.

I know that time and perspective will change those feelings. I know in time…I will see God’s hand and purpose behind all that I’m going through. But right now…that perspective evades me.

Right now I feel sad. When it comes out as anger…I’m not a real pleasant person to be around. With anger…I at least feel like I deserve some of the stinky stuff that’s happening. After all…I’m being a stinkpot and don’t deserve anything good.

But after expressing my frustration…I was left with sadness. Right now that is the place I’m at. That’s okay for now. A year for now, no. But next week...that may be okay. Where’s the healthy balance. Not sure. But right now…I’ve lost a lot…and it’s okay to feel sad.

Perhaps when I feel like life is peachy keen…and I’m doing okay and in control…that is the real illusion. When in fact, if the truth be told…I have precious little control over anything in my life except how I react to it.

One of my favorite songs is Steven Curtis Chapman’s “Hold on to Jesus for Life”. I love that song…and from when I first heard it, the song resonated with me. Right now I feel like I’m clinging on to hope…my faith and trust in Jesus.

I’m still sad. But I'd be willing to bet that there were a few days there where even Jesus felt sad. Remember…he wept at Lazarus tomb. Jesus even knew that he would be raising him from the dead.

So what would Jesus do? I think he give me some Kleenex to blow my nose after I cried and wipe away my tears. And I think he’d give me a big hug…and I could sure use that right about now.

Between you and me…sometimes I feel like a faith failure when I feel this way. But I think that’s okay…because while man may not understand…God does.


Pearl said...

I'm praying for you. I know how painful it is when we have to say goodby to things and people that we are so comfortable with. I think the Lord allows us to go through this so we turn to him even more for comfort. He is putting his arms around you and giving you that hug.

voni said...

I saw you were new on the christian womans blog ring. So am I :) I love your realness! May you feel Gods big strong arms wrapped around you today dear sister.

Anonymous said...

Susan, my sadness comes out as anger as well. I pray that God will give you comfort as you seek Him.

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