The Anointing

While in the midst of trials, tribulation and uncertainty…the hardest part was silence from God.

My own prayers and prayer from others seemed to go unanswered. I desperately desired clear direction from God…yet He had only made one message clear. After that…there was silence.

There was one night…when I was at my absolute end. Yes…I wanted to move in a particular direction. But God had worked on my heart. As a result…more than desiring my will, I was willing to surrender to God’s will and wanted it even though it was different than my own I knew that He would enable and strengthen me for the business at hand.

Yet…on that dark and desperate night…when I cried out to God…there was only silence.

The next day something in me snapped…and I cried out and challenged God with scripture. Specifically where Jesus tell his disciples that he calls them friends and makes known to them his Father’s business.

“I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.” – John 15:15

Not that I advocate or recommend approaching God with anything other than awe and reverence deserving of a Holy, Righteous, Omnipotent, and Omniscient God…but I do believe that it is important to be real with God. He is big enough to handle our problems and knows how we really feel…even when we don’t fully understand it ourselves.

When I cried out to God…I said that I felt like in part this silence from God was being used as spiritual warfare by Satan. That if I was going to be targeted for this treatment…then I would settle for an ordinary life. I would go to church and study my Bible and even try and live rightly through the power of the Holy Spirit. But that if I was going to have to endure this silence…I couldn’t take it anymore. That instead I would settle for an ordinary Christian life.

I was driving in my car after running errands during this conversation with God. And for a brief instance…God pulled back the curtain and gave me a brief glimpse as to how He was using this episode in my life. It was an epiphany…an ah ha moment…that calmed my spirit. It brought tears to my eyes. I can even remember where exactly I was driving when this occurred.

While grateful that God pulled back the veil, if only for a brief moment, I was also frustrated that I had to get to that point before God would respond. I was disappointed in myself that I had demonstrated such a lack of faith. Yet the relief was so apparent…that I physically started to calm down and was able to see things from a better, clearer perspective.

Have you ever had anyone in your life that when they are mad at you…they give you the silent treatment. Well it kind of felt like that. While intellectually and based on my Bible knowledge…I knew that wasn’t true. But it sure felt like it.

God is not like man. He does not hold a grudge or seek to get back at me at me for demonstrating a lack of faith. He uses those times to stretch me and help me to grow deeper and strong in my faith.

Yet I can’t help but think…my lack faith impacted my ability to hear from God and be sensitive to His hand upon me and His leading in my life. I didn’t trust Him without needing to hear something or have a confirmation.

As a result of the “block” I went through a real dry spell in writing. So not only was I not hearing from God…but I wasn’t able to work through my feelings, via writing. Writing had been my avenue to help work through all my feelings…the up’s the down’s…the whole roller coaster effect. And then that was gone…and I felt like I was left alone with only me.

I know that is not the truth. Jesus promised to never leave us, nor forsake us. He has given us the Holy Spirit to dwell within. But I sure wasn’t feeling it.

I’ve been thinking when I demonstrate a lack of trust with God…how does that effect my relationship with God? I know that when someone doesn’t trust me, when they don’t give consideration to what I’ve already proven myself capable of doing…I don’t feel much like having a relationship with them. God is faithful when we are faithless. But at the very least in my lack of faith I shut God out…and I refused to listen or hear Him. I was unable to hear that still small voice within.

It’s a good thing that my God is patient, loving and forgiving…I continually need to draw upon that mercy and grace that God pours out upon me so abundantly.