Thursday, August 03, 2006

Phone Calls, Disappointment and Choosing to Believe God

Today…for some reason nothing went quite right. It was one of those days…where everything required a lot of effort…and even then it was off kilter.

But it was also a day…where God revealed a lesson for me to learn.

As it so happens…today was my anniversary date of employment. I would say it was with the same company…and it really is. But that company has undergone many, many changes over the years. None more so than this year.

I once had a boss…that made a big old deal about things like that. For everyone…from the rookie celebrating their first year of employment…to the person celebrating forty years. Today I especially missed you Peter B…and I know if you had been here…you would have been the first to say “Congrats”. Oh how thing have changed. Today marked twenty-two years of employment. Kind of bitter-sweet…since I would have never anticipated getting to this milestone…even just a few weeks ago.

Today I also had a phone call from my worried sister Denise…checking in to make sure I was okay. I am very much a creature of habit…and since I haven’t written anything of late, nor responded to e-mails…she was concerned for my safety.

The writing thing is a combination of writer’s blocks, exhaustion…and perhaps a little depression or resignation mixed in.

It’s odd because…I’m working many less hours these days…but I’m much more tired. I’m getting more sleep…but don’t feel rested. I know that when I’m learning a new job…it’s tiring. Tiring because I have to concentrate all day long…instead of everything coming naturally because I know it so well. I know in time...it’ll come together. But for right now…it’s an effort.

I don’t feel much like doing much talking these days…because really I don’t know what to say. For so long…I had been praying regarding my job situation...but still have had no clear cut answer one way or the other. How long and how many ways can you say…you have no news? Now I don’t think I’ll be getting that job after all this time. But what makes it hard…it’s been left opened ended…no final answer has been forthcoming. I guess at this point…that’s fine. But having an ending…a period at the end of a sentence…psychologically helps me to lay things down and move on. I guess my challenge on this one…is to lay it down even without the official ending. I guess that’s where the resignation comes in.

The disappointment…well that’s related to people. That’s been the hardest part of this whole deal. Usually I have the perspective that I’d rather deal with the truth. It’s better to know a person’s true character than to believe an illusion. The truth shall set you free. Right? Especially the truth about yourself.

Truth like when I’m hurt and choose to be angry or bitter…that I’m putting more faith and confidence in my circumstances than in God.

One of my favorite scriptures is Roman’s 8:28 - “God causes all things to work together for good for those that love the Lord and who are called according to His purposes.” I realized today…that when I’m disappointed or angry at circumstance or people because of what happened or didn’t happen…I’m not believing God or trusting God to work all things together for good.

When I choose to not to trust God…then I’m more hurt or angry at the circumstances or people who rendered my God seemingly incapable.

In the crunch time…do I real believe God? Do I believe that my God is able to do all that He says He can do? I have a choice…am I going to believe God? Or am I going to believe my circumstances?

Am I going to trust God…even when I can’t trust people?

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