Tears of Profound Sadness

I know that for a while…I’ll have good days and bad days…as I still grieve the loss of so much in the past year. It seems like now the good days out number the bad. But I have an occasional hick-up…like I did this week.

It wasn’t because folks that had interviewed me for a desired job were in town…that was irrelevant for the most part.

Why I was so sad…and a trifle on the touchy side this week…had to do with an anniversary. Each year in August at work…we held an annual Loss Prevention meeting. We would invite in to the office all the LP folks for a big old meeting. It was their turn to shine and showcase what they had learned or what they were doing in their stores to make a difference for good.

Getting ready for the meeting was lot of work for everyone involved. Planning the meeting…making necessary arrangements. Coming up with just the right presentations…to make their district shine. Of course there was always a little healthy competition…that spurred on each group. I’d get to see the up and coming talent…and the people who would likely be promoted in the coming years.

It was also a really fun time. A time in which I’d finally get to meet people who had been hired over the past year. Finally put a face to a name and meet someone whom I had only known through phone calls. Or catch up with old friends. We’d say we had been around much longer than we would have ever imagined.

The following day...we'd have an outing at the beach or at a park. A day of fun for all.

Each day in my old job…I’d get calls from the LP folks that worked in the stores. Someone of them I didn’t know from meeting personally. But we instead had developed a relationship from our conversations. I’d get to know about what was going on in their life…from marriage to the birth of a child…or a death of a parent. Sometimes it involved their personal issues that necessitated a phone call needing information or forms.

While I only met these folks once or twice a year…they were people that I knew and cared about.

With the recent changes…a number of folks have changed jobs…either within the company…or moved on to other opportunities. It is my prayer and I believe that God will help them, carry them through and bring them into something better. A new place that he has especially designed for them.

I miss them so much. I miss the phones and chatting if only for a couple of minutes to find out how things are in the stores…and where they are working now.

We never got a chance to say goodbye. No meeting…or goodbye dinner where people would linger afterwards and catch up. No schmaltzy awards handed out in love. It was just over…almost like they never existed.

Right now…when I look back at some of the photos from those days…it makes me very sad indeed. Because right now there is an emptiness and hole where they use to be. I know over time…that I will grow to love and care about the people with whom I’m working with now. In fact…that has already started. But there is that hole that remains.

The new people…won’t replace them…because you can’t replace people whom you love and care about. But they will instead add richly to my life and the lives of others.

So as Friday approached…on what would have been that annual meeting…I was feeling pretty tweaked. Add to that, the phone calls that still come my way that are related to my old job. What I’d really wanted to say to them…well I’d best not go there. Oh it’s not dirty…or potty mouth stuff. But it’s bitter…and better left unsaid.

Just writing and remembering about these beloved people helps me to work through the feelings.

Back when I was overweight…which I was for the better part of my life…to varying degrees from about the age of 12 to 39 years old…I kept those feelings inside. Oh I might have been nice, polite and kind on the outside…but those feelings were expressed through overeating. Which is one reason why I was fat for so long.

(The above picture is from my days of "stuffing feelings".)

Now I’m certain that the folks around me would rather I be fat and shut my mouth. Because these days…I do speak my mind. Normally its kind…well mostly…but very direct. And I do have moments…where I am not restrained in my come backs. I guess restraint in my old life had a price…that of being fat.

I don’t let people get away with much these days. Between my passion to speak the truth…and my desire to not keep stuffing down feelings…I say what I think. I’m sure I annoyed a couple of people in the process this past week.

I found I had writer block this week. In part because I had so many ideas and things I wanted write about, but was unable to focus. In part…I had that block because of the feelings of sadness I wasn’t letting out until now that I’m writing about it.

When I reflect on one person...I have been so annoyed and angry with during this whole process…he seems to be immovable. That only served to make me frustrated. But when thinking about him…I just wanted to cry. I think if I saw him…I would do just that. Not out of anger or bitterness…but out of relief. Relief…that even though he has been absent for a season we are still friends. I’m sure I would cry and give him a big hug to boot.

Perhaps I am deluding myself…and what I think would be tears of relief are only tears of sadness instead. Tears of profound sadness…at least for today.

Tomorrow…well I’ll take that as it comes. I better choose to trust God and his plan and his ability to bring me through as well as those whom I love. My tears and sadness are not a reflection of not trusting God or not believing him. They are just a reflection of the loss of people whom I love, care about and miss greatly.

I miss you guys…and hope you are doing well…and that God’s hand of protection is upon you, guiding and directing you. Lord bless you my friends.