In a few short weeks I will be 47. Yikes!
In some respects I don’t really give a hoot and a holler…it doesn’t matter. In fact, I like the me I’ve grown into much better than what I was when I was younger.
What you find on this blog is pretty representative of what I’m like. It’s probably a place where I can be a wee bit more open and vulnerable. In fact…I’d be willing to bet I’m violating every known bit of advice…that would tell me never to show my weaknesses, doubts or fears. But that’s playing it a little too safe now, isn’t it?
The person I am at home…is pretty much the person I am a work or at church or when out about with friends. I don’t usually try to put on an act…and be something different than what I am. It’s a good thing to feel comfortable with who you are.
Nevertheless…the one thing that’s particularly painful for me is that I remain single. Even more painful than the thought of not having children.
And it’s not for lack praying, hoping, wishing or desiring to be married…that I remain single. There are times when I’m going about my daily life…and the pain of this “singlehood thing” is entirely too much. That’s when I imagine myself prostrate at the feet of Jesus. Bringing my pain...the thing that needs healing in my life to the Master. Words fail me at that time…but I know my Savior understands and feels that pain. He doesn’t take the pain away…but he’s there with me.
What I don’t know…or understand is why for low these many years…God has chosen not to answer my prayers. Is he saying wait? Is saying…Susan I’m growing you up…so that you will be a better wife to the man whom I’ve chosen for you? Is he saying…trust me and my timing? I have just the right man for you…but he’s not ready yet. Is he saying no? Or is he silent…and I just need to trust God and who he…and has revealed himself to be in his word? Trust, that he knows best.
I surely wish that if the answer is no…that God would take away this deep, deep desire and longing that I have in my heart, mind and soul. Right now there is not a day that goes by that it’s not part of my daily thoughts and prayers.
Sometimes people will try to give a word of encouragement or wisdom for this challenge. I know they mean well. Sometimes it comes from someone who purports to understand being single…but they’ve been married for many, many years. I think the only thing I might compare it to…is a woman being unable to conceive a child or even adopt. And she has family and friends all about her that have children or who are pregnant for the third or fourth time. And they say they understand what’s it’s like to not be able to get pregnant or have children. But that was for two or three or five years…not thirty or forty years or more.
And then sometimes I’ll see a person…who is single…and they’ve chosen to live with someone outside of wedlock or to have kids…even though they are not married. But that compromise is not even an option for me. Because I have chosen the better way…and that is to trust God. Not have my own way or own will in the face of what God has ordained as right.
The only person who’s been a healing balm where this whole thing is concerned is Margaret. Margaret is now in her 80’s. I know her from when we use to work together. She just loves on me when it hurts. She let’s me know that she loves me. She doesn’t try to pretend that it doesn’t matter or shouldn’t hurt or to shut up. She just loves and encourages me. Thank you my dear, dear friend!
Yet I keeping hoping and praying. Right now I don’t know what God’s answer is…but instead I’m living each day…ever hopeful. And when my faith fails me…I cling to hope…and God and ask, "How much faith will it take? God, what is your will?”
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